A tongue-in-cheek look at the television show "Dawson's Creek"

As previously seen at: http://www.freetown.com/Hollywood/MonroeAve/1055/index.html

By: W i l l (w455@hotmail.com)

"You're scaring me Dawson. You're doing this Frankenstein/Hyde thing. I mean, one minute you're Dawson, the next you're his psycho alter-ego." -- Joey Potter

Dawson Leery. First of all, Dawson. What kind of name is that!? Well, according to the book 20,001 Names for Baby, by Carol McD. Wallace, it's Old English and means "David's son." Do you know anyone named Dawson? Ever know of anyone named Dawson? I didn't think so. And Leery? The word "leery" means "suspicious; wary." Dawson Leery. Creepy name.

Dawson's clueless, especially when it comes to the ladies. He can pick up that his Mom is having an affair from something as subtle as her soft B's ("...Bob") but can't even tell that his bestfriend Joey might have a thing for him? What the hello!?

Click the heart heart to hear a short convo between Dawson and Joey (It's got sexual innuendo aplenty. Okay, so all that means is it could be ANY clip from the show!)

Dawson's shallower than a creek. Remember how Dawson never even noticed Joey in a let's-git-jiggy-wit-it way until she got all gussied up? "When I saw you in the movie theater with that lipstick on," Dawson puled, "I remember thinking how pretty you looked..." Oh gosh, yes, without that touch of lipstick she was just soo darn hard on the eyes!

To add insult to injury, Dawson goes on and on and on about Jen, the new bit... er, chick, to Joey: "The girl's a mystery to me, but I feel like I've known her my whole life. I mean, it's like the way I feel about you. She challenges me the way you do. She could be you. Except...she's Jen." Ow! They should have named this guy Richard and called him Dick for short.

And what about Jen? Dawson tells her he wants to be her "Boy Adventure." Oh, puh-leeze. Even Ford Trucks has better pick-up lines.

But so then Dawson gets Jen to go with him, somehow. Go figure. So of course the time comes for their first kiss. Dawson tries to secretly videotape that moment (Can we say creepola? I thought so.)

Jen may not be all that and a bag of chips, but Dawson treats her like...well, you know. When he learns that his mother has been bumping uglies with her co-anchor, Bob, and Jen tries to comfort him, Dawson tells her: "I'm simply remarking, who better to understand a woman's need to have multiple partners?" Yee-ouch! This to the girl of his (wet) dreams! I hate to wonder what he says to the girl of his nightmares.

And who can forget how, after he and Jen break up, Dawson uses that girl Mary Beth as his "date" to the carnival just to try to make Jen want him back. Worse than that, he even implies to Mary Beth that he is double-dating for Jen's sake. Mary Beth: "Ah, it's one of her first dates with Cliff. She probably doesn't want to be alone with him, so he doesn't really know if she likes him. So, in order to take the pressure off, she asks you to make it a double. God, Dawson, that is really very sweet of you." Shyeah, right! Dawson's about as sweet as dietetic candy.

"I reject reality." And you've got to wonder about a guy who's that into Spielberg. "I have his career chronicled up on my wall..." Uhh... "See I believe that all of the mysteries of the Universe, all of life's questions, can be found in a Spielberg movie. It's a theory I've been working on. See, whenever I have a problem all I have to do is look to the right Spielberg film and the answer's revealed." Umm, sure. Dawson Leery, phone home!

One last thing: What 15-year-old uses words like theoretics, semi-quasi, belligerent, or twiggy!? (What the @#$%!?) Come on! That right there makes him creepy to me...

Copyright 1998 W i l l


To learn even MORE creepy things about Dawson Leery, including what's in his creepy e-mails, what creepy websites he likes, which creepy CDs he digs, etc., go hack into Dawson's Desktop (Click on picture at right):