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T h e   B r u t a l   T r u t h

Have you ever seen the movie The Brutal Truth? It's brutal alright.

(Apparently it was alternatively called The Giving Tree and Shaded Places. It could have just as easily been called Kee-rap).

The movie stars Christina Applegate as a young woman who invites a group of old "bestfriends" to her mountain cabin for a weekend reunion. Aww.

Everyone shows up and Christina isn't there. They let themselves in and start setting up.

One guy starts telling this story about being in his shower and suddenly realizing he's not alone. There are three BMF's (Big Mother(fill-in-the-blank)ers. This movie has its own dictionary of 'cool'). Anyway, these BMF's want to sodomize him...when suddenly the guy wakes up and there's a girl in bed beside him and she has a finger up his butt.

Hmm,... ::Scratching butt:: I wonder why this movie didn't rake in a few Oscars...

I have no idea what the point of that story was. I don't think the writer(s) did either.

Night falls and everyone goes to sleep. Maybe that finger in butt story pushed them there.

Anyway, Christina Applegate finally shows up--and immediately hangs herself. (I think she saw how the movie was going and decided to commit suicide. Wish I'd thought of that).

I don't blame her.

The movie wants to be The Breakfast Club or The Big Chill or Peter's Friends (Which is essentially a rip-off of The Big Chill).

Character by character came in and there was this acoustic guitar music playing (It sounded like a bad version of Bob Seger, or John Cougar Mellencamp. If you can imagine such suck). They're sad one minute about Christina being dead, mad the next.

So Christina Applegate is dead and there's this big earthquake all of a sudden which strands all her friends out in that cabin in the middle of nowhere (Don't you hate when that happens?)

There's some small town nearby. But they have no money--for food, drink, and, most importantly it seems, smokes.

A couple of the guys devise a plan to kidnap a neighbor's dog for the reward money. They lure the dog with a hotdog and successfully take it away. The next day there's a nice bright yellow sign nailed to a tree offering a reward. Bingo! (I don't think that was the dog's name-o...).

They have this Marilyn Monroe-esque dumb blonde call and say she found the dog while she was out running (The blonde's name is Vanilla but she's called Paula because...well, it's a long, stupid story). Anyway, the guy comes to the cabin for his dog and meanwhile the dog is d-e-a-d (It drank some anti-freeze from the tractor parked out back. D'oh! BAD dog...).

Some guy (Panicking): "Did you tell them what state the dog was in!?"
Dumb blonde: "California..."

Ohh, my gut. Oh. That was so funny...

The dog's owner is a blind man. The dog was his seeing-eye dog. Oops-a-daisies...

I didn't see any money exchanging hands--it seems odd that a man would pay them for giving him his dog back dead--but before you can say bullcrap, the friends were all kicking back and smoking weed and sucking back some Old Milwaukees (Is that stuff even palatable?) Of course, stories are told and in every one Christina Applegate is remembered fondly and as the good girl who taught them all to live life right. Riiight...

Molly Ringwald is in this movie and she plays a moody chain smoker who eerily-resembles a young Carol Burnett (Though not funny. At all. She looks like she has a corncob shoved up her butt). She's in an unhappy marriage and announces to everyone that her husband (a fellow Friend) is in love with (the now-dead) Christina Applegate and that she's had four lovers (She must still be riding that Sixteen Candles wave to be getting that much humpity).

Everyone had some secret it seemed. And they all wanted to talk about it. Yack yack yack. Like the fiery brunette who said Christina Applegate helped her discover her lesbianism (What? Did they cut that scene? Ahh! Sons-of-bitches...).

Did I mention that the blind man comes over and delivers one of the girl's babies! Ah, c'mon!!! A BLIND MAN!? Did I also mention that the blind man was the 'principal' from The Breakfast Club?

This movie was sillier than Silly String!

It had more holes in it than Swiss!

It... Okay, I'll stop.

-- W i l l

Copyright © June 2001 W i l l